If there was to be a national sport of Vietnam, it could be badminton, it could be soccer, but most likely it would be hacky sack. Forget those funky smelly hippy dudes that kicked a bean bag around your uni campus, these guys are the real pros. Their unique brand of hacky is like a spring loaded stack of discs, topped with a feather. Players could be standing a metre from each other, or 20 metres – these things fly. And to twist your leg around your body and kick the thing from behind your back is not only common, it’s expected. The game is almost (almost) as entertaining as watching the morning warm-ups around Hanoi’s lake up north – which includes the famous lamp-punching man (oh, how I wish he was famous) and “body-slapping” for blood circulation – afternoon hacky games can provide onlookers with endless free entertainment; just don’t get in the way.
The Vietnamese are also a league above the rest when it comes to lying on top of their motorbikes. That’s right, not sitting – lying! They not only make this look easy, but comfortable as well! Along with the fact they can crouch for hours on end without being at all physically phased, it’s pretty clear these guys are pros when it comes to making themselves comfortable. Another example of getting comfortable: the garbage collection team; who pull up to Saigon’s central market in their truck of an evening and set up their hammocks for nap time. What, you expected them to actually clean when on duty?
Security. Now here’s one that’s hard to dispute. There is no better deterrent to unwanted people coming through your gate than to have ceramic German Shepherds guarding your driveway. At least I think there’s no better deterrent... Right?
Speaking of dogs, the Vietnamese know how to put together a menu for all tastes. Head to the Mekong for Iguana, you know, if you’re up with supporting the edibility of endangered species. If that’s not your thing, the endangered guilt can’t exactly be shared with dogs, even if countless other varieties of guilt can. You’ll find it here or there, such as in Saigon’s Cholon District, but if eating Snoopy, Lassie or Pluto is not your thing (certainly not mine), there’s no shortage of pig brain or bull penis for the taking.
Uncle Ho smiles on his peeps
Taking care of the people. There is absolutely no shortage of propaganda around the roadsides of Vietnam. Uncle Ho’s beaming down on every corner and the people (who, I’m assured, are Vietnamese despite never seeming to actually look Vietnamese or be resembled in any other way beside cartoon) are smiling because they’re chuffed all around. Procreation brings auras in the form of giant, pink love hearts in Vietnam (if the posters are to be believed), and military service will give you the mighty courage of a super hero, as seen in my favourite poster – a soldier decked out in one fine looking cape. So with giant love shaped force fields defending the offspring and an army of super humans, this place takes care of the people. Moreover, the banning of Facebook ensures that legions of young people are protected from the time-wasting disaster of a social network that would otherwise suck the youth right out of them. That’s right; there could be no other reason for wanting to stop Facebook. None at all... And what do all the people do with the time they save not being on the book? They dance:
