Berlin

The Berliners do a pretty good New Years... Leaving the apartment, you get a hefty dose of passive smoking – not from any cigarettes, but from the gunpowder in fireworks and crackers. Something about the 31st of December, really; popping out of the metro along with about 10 other people that afternoon, gangsters in training were shooting capguns out of windows, blowing crackers in the open and shooting flares into bushes. Outside the Jewish Museum there was three cops with machine guns (yes, the German police have machine guns casually swung over the shoulders), completely ignoring the smoky traffic hazard being created by some punks about 40 metres down the road. New Year’s Eve is coming.

New Year’s Eve and a good 2 km stretch of road surrounded by forest (the biggest toilet ever) before the Brandenburg Gate. West Side, yo. Just hanging out with 999,999 of my closest friends – this is one big party and one that expectedly draws mixed opinions. On one hand it’s the biggest New Year celebration in the world (take that New York) so clearly it has popularity going for it. But on the other it’s hard to tell just how many locals make up the million. I suppose that’d be the case in any city, really, but the “cool” types weren’t going to be seen at the Gate, especially when the programme offered a bit of Bonnie Tyler come midnight. Who needs the yuppies anyway, all we needed was a hero (holding onto a hero). Fireworks, lasers, beer and half metre bratwursts are enough to please us at any rate.

Now, before getting to perhaps the greatest moment of 2011 (I say that in a premonition-like fashion, as nothing looks like it could top what happened in the first 5 minutes of the year), I’ll mention the amateur pyros again. Where else in the world will you find locals with backpacks full of fireworks, happily going about their explosions IN FRONT OF THE CAPITAL’S HOUSE OF PARLIAMENT. Imagine the White House for a moment, a few hundred people shooting miniature rockets skyward and sideward – that would never happen. The Reichstag is technically the comparable structure for Germany (heck, they close the viewing platform in holiday season for fear of terror amongst the high density tourism...) The cops aren’t phased, the people aren’t phased, and the sky is full of pretty sparks. What’s the problem? So, there was no waiting til midnight for a fireworks show – with the kids shooting em off all night.


The Reichstag

The moment then? So in the sky the “real” fireworks show is going off following a rather surprised countdown (“blah blah blah... [checks headpiece].. oh, uh, 4, 3, 2, 1...”), Paul Potts is singing his lungs out and everything’s feeling pretty nice. The moment he’s gone though, there’s a roar, but it wasn’t for Potts departure, it was for the fact THE HOFF had appeared on stage. 21 years on from when he first performed the song for the folks here in Berlin, out came Looking For Freedom. Super-thick makeup, hip thrusting that no old man should attempt, and loads of self-appreciation made this appearance as good as ever. Possibly the only day of the year the Hoff’s not drunk – this was a pretty special surprise; one that we just may have enjoyed a little more than everyone else.



Might I just add this little bit as well: it’s part of Miniland at Berlin’s Legoland, depicting the fall of the wall and the Hoff’s iconic (yes, iconic darn it) performance atop a cherry picker. Incredible.



This is Lucy – she’s awesome. Lucy’s from an oldschool Czech cartoon in which she went on all sorts of adventures with her cat. She now appears in some of Berlin’s more popularised street art. So why is she so awesome? Well if you love cats you might beg to differ, but there’s something pretty special about looking around Lucy to see her cat hanging from a noose, pressed into a microwave or being spun in a washing machine. All around Berlin you’ll find Lucy killing her cat in very innovative ways. What’s not to love about that?



A word about Berliner Kindl Weisse. This is the beer the French decided to mix up a bit when they joined Berlin back in the day. These should not be considered beers and should be consumed under the presumption that you will get any sort of beer experience. They’re alcopops basically; raspberry, grape and “the green one” #### (formally a hallucinogenic) – and they are sickly sweet (not “siiick” nor “sweeeet”). Other than these beers there’s very little the Germans do less than great. Oh wait, these are the Frenchie’s fault.



Now we’re saying goodbye to Deutschland, and I have to say that’s a pretty hard thing to do. The Christmas season has certainly been a brilliant time to be travelling around the joint – the Christmas markets haven’t let us down at all. History is everywhere and it seems impossible that you could venture around Germany and not gain a giant historical education (especially of the 20th century). Beer – can’t get enough – gluwein and, er, Korn; and food – I’m gonna miss schnitzel the size of my head, amazing strudel, pretzels, kraut, kebabs (high Turkish population in Berlin :D), and the snags: bratwurst, bockwurst, feuerwurst, currywurst, frankenfurter, nurnberger (mm, I ate a lot of food in Germany).


Gonna miss this...

Cologne

So you would like to try a Cologne speciality? How about Halver Hahn – no half chicken as the translation might suggest. This is a cheese sandwich. Yes, on a Cologne menu, under local dishes, you’ll find a cheese sandwich. I didn’t realise anyone was allowed to lay claim on that.
“You know what that is? No chicken.”

Christmas tree made of a beer glass, sock and lemon. Yes we can.

Prague

Tallest Christmas tree in all of Europe, 2009. The thing falls on this English bloke; as if being English wasn’t making him miserable enough to begin with. Still suing Prague Council. Merry Christmas.

2010 – Tree’s five metres shorter and still the tallest in Europe.

Greese that's better than the musical

Wiz, Wizzy... What affectionate name can I now possibly give to my credit card, which has a new landlord and is formally named ’28 Degrees’? I think perhaps ‘Greesy’ is the right name to use, though this hardly portrays the awesomeness that my oh-so-magical Wizard once gave me (and still does, albeit under a more transparent title). This rant is to point something out – just how bloody good the greese in your wallet can be at the ATM (good enough to irritate their customer service team upon them knowing how you use the product). You top up the card with your own money and essentially it becomes a debit card, as you’re not running into the trap of withdrawing credit from an ATM anymore. But alas, you might find yourself with none of your own and delve into the wallet for another card, Greesy’s arch-enemy, in fact – the bank card. This may seem the better option when faced with the fear of credit card traps on the auto tellers, but believe me, when your bank card whacks a healthy $13 conversion fee on that taking, then the ATM scratches a further $5, the couple of dollars you’d lose before you top-up Greesy aint looking so bad anymore.

Albums 2010

Here’re my favourites for the year; the only list that you won’t find Arcade Fire on – hey, no one reads this so I don’t need to suck up to anyone / appease the masses.

20 – 11 in no particular order to kick it off then:::

Hungry Kids of Hungary – Escapades
Simon Carter – The Black Book of the Universe
The National – High Violet
Sia – We Are Born
Paris Wells – Various Small Fires
Nicolas Roy – In A Shoebox Under The Bed
Delta Spirit – History From Below
Boy & Bear – With Emperor Antarctica (and their cover of Fall At Your Feet on the Crowded House covers compilations is plain brilliant)
The Basics – Live @ The Northcote Social Club
Beach House – Teen Dream

And 10 – 1 in some kind of order:::

10.

Top track: Thieves In The Night

9.

Top track: This Is What I Said

8.

Top track: Hudson River

7.

Top track: Running Out

6.

Top track: Giving Up The Gun

5.

Top track: White Knuckles (Best video: This Too Shall Pass)

4.

Top track: Sunday


3.

Top track: Not Stuck Here


2.

Top track: Hold On, I’m Coming On (I think, this one was hard to pick one favourite from)


1.

Top track: Old Fitzroy and Letter – tie!

Heidelberg

I think I’m going to design a statue in honour of shininess. It doesn’t have to be too realistic or anything; really – I mean who would ever dream of scratching an actual wild boar on the nose. The thing about the statue is, none of these old fashioned folk ever really thought about how silly their work would look in a few decades time. For instance, the lions guarding Munich’s Residence are all old and dull, with miniature heads gleaming below them (and people don’t even rub these for a particular reason). My statue will give the “rubber” certain qualities depending on where the statue is rubbed. Let’s go with the pig idea – rub the nose for good luck, rub the stomach to find a good lunch, rub the backside for good bowel movements, rub the head to remember where you left your keys, and run your credit card through the swiper being held by the pig for, er, good fortune? Just imagine how shiny my statue will be in 100 years time; I might get into the Guinness Book or something.

There’s a monkey in Heidelberg that’s on the right track – shiny fingers and disc in hand; but still his mice friends next door are shinier than his hollow face because rubbing them means you’ll have lots of children. The terms and conditions, however, state that the children will in fact look like mice themselves and chew through all the electrical cables in your home. Still, the Germany doesn’t ask for your hard earned pennies to fall from the mouth of a pig into a drain. As if anyone exchanges a coin to rub the snout of their next ham sandwich.


The Bridge Monkey in Heidelberg, Germany


Porcellino in Florence, Italy

Munich

Mary’s column – a testament to the gullibility of Munchens, apparently. The story goes that the Swedish occupied Munich during the Thirty Years’ War (truth) – Munich being the highly Catholic city, and the Swedish those evil, evil Protestants. Munich had to get rid of them, so they asked what they wanted. The Swedes had their price, but the humble people of Munich couldn’t come close to scrounging all that together, so they went to occupiers with a price of their own: the share of gold they could manage, and the balance to be paid in beer. Now, this worked and the Swedes left, but afterward the people were a little confused because their boss man was nowhere to be found. They found their leader a few days later in a township well outside of Munich and they were pretty bothered by the fact they’d solved the problem and all the while he’d been hiding out. Not the case, he promptly told them, he’d in fact come out of the city following the occupation to pray to the Virgin Mother that those pesky Proddies get lost and, hey presto, his “praying” had worked. “Rightio, huzzuh” could be the loose translation of the Munchens, and up went the column to say thanks for helping hand Miss Mary! Now, looking back on this, the real saviour of the day was beer, not any heavenly being. Go beer – you are truly awesome.

And as with any town in Europe really, Munich’s got some nice churches around town. Frauenkirche is one that’s got a pretty funny story going for it. When it was being built, the Devil rocked up one evening and got really mad: “No way, not another one!!” – that kinda thing. So he goes to the door and opens the place up and there isn’t a ray of light in the place. “This is awesome!” he figures, as far as he could tell people would come to this “Church” to worship him in the darkness, not God! So he summons the builder and makes a deal with him: build no windows in the place and he’ll speed the building process to 20 years (that’s darn impressive for the time). The deal is made. Sure enough, the place is finished in the time period – amazing! The Devil comes back, pretty chuffed, and opens the doors only to find the place full of life, light and prayer! Now, he’s pretty furious at this point and summons the builder to throttle him and claim the dude’s soul. “Actually, buddy...” the builder begins, “I didn’t build any windows. Those were there the whole time, only blocked by these here pillars.” (see photo below) The Devil is so angry he stomps his foot into the floor of the church, leaving his footprint forever there (same size as mine, actually). So, if anyone is wandering how to build a church quickly... Oh wait, they can already do that these days.


Frauenkirche.. This was the Pope's hood before he moved to the mansion


Theatinerkirche.. This one's spectacular - so much detail, all in plain white plaster; a standout of the Church run

And beer. Oh, Munich and your beer. I’ve not been to Oktoberfest, but after seeing how busy the beer halls are in OFF season, I can hardly even imagine how crazy the place must be in late September! Here you’re expected to drink by the litre, and don’t just stop at one (it’s totes locs you know). It’s damn good, too. The purity laws ensure that everything is kept clean as well, so according to the locals there’s no such thing as a hangover from Bavarian beers (believe it... cue Ripley's Believe It Or Not music).